The In Between

You may have noticed it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve written and rewritten this blog multiple times and have yet to publish it. Mainly because one day I write and feel one way and the next day I write and feel another. Some days it feels too whiny, other days too depressing, and other days too fake. I’ve promised honesty here, and to come and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows would be disingenuous. But to be morose and talk only about the depression I’m facing or the grief I’m trying to process wouldn’t be entirely honest either.

I’m in the in-between.

I have a newborn, a daughter, and she is beautiful and precious and perfect and mine. God gave me this little girl and we’ve quickly come to the point that I tend to forget she’s adopted; she’s simply my daughter.

And yet, my beautiful, precious baby girl is also not the little girl I dreamed she would be. I think any parent would struggle with grief over this. What I’m feeling is normal. I love my daughter, I do think she is perfect, I plan to give her every happiness I can, but I wish her life were different. I wish she could run with her brothers through my house, squealing in the way only little girls can. I wish I could put her in time out one day for trying to ride the dogs like a horse. I wish I could stand in front of the mirror with her and practice braiding her hair while she complains about it. I wish I could teach her how to wear makeup, take her prom dress shopping, and threaten her first boyfriend with bodily harm. I wish she would go off to college and call me with silly questions about microwaving food and how to wash her clothes. I wish I could watch my husband walk her down the aisle in my wedding dress. I wish I could hold her children and see her eyes in them. I wish that she would grow up to be my best friend.

I know God will write her story, one that is its own brand of unique and intricate and beautiful. I’m working on letting go of the story I had written for her and trying to accept the new one. It takes time to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for my daughter and to embrace this new one. So here I sit in between what I had hoped for and what God has blessed me with.

I am in between being the mom that I am and the mom that she needs. I know that God will equip me, but I can’t help feeling woefully unprepared. On top of a loving mother, she needs an advocate and I don’t know how to be one yet. I don’t know how to fight for her rights against a medical system that doesn’t understand her. I don’t know how to even figure out half of this medical stuff yet. I’m trying to piece it all together. I’m not naturally a fighter, I don’t like confrontation, and I would rather leave the decision making to the doctors. But that’s not who she needs me to be, so I’m learning, I’m in between.

I’ve spent so much time talking with doctors and hospice and mostly finding out how she will die, what will probably happen, and how to “handle” that. I’ve spent time thinking about her funeral and what we want to do and what we will need to do. But I’m also trying to learn how to live with her. How to take care of her needs and give her the quality of life she deserves. I feel like I’ve spent so much time learning how she will die and not enough learning how she will live. How we will live. I’m straddling the line between life and death, preparing for the worst and hoping for the best and figuring out what a life in the middle looks like.

Back in May I wrote, :“But still, God is good. He is good if our child is healthy and He is good if our child is not. He is good if we cry tears of joy when this is all said and done and He is good if we cry tears of pain.”

I’m thankful to see in my own writing how God has been giving me this message for months. I think 2016 was a time of preparation. We faced some hard times that made us dig into our faith and really get to know who God is and understand our relationship with Him, and we had some perfect days and moments as a family. I imagine 2017 will be a mix of the same; good and bad, happy and sad, easy and hard, clear and confusing, peaceful and chaotic. I’ll look for God in the midst of all this and find Him next to me, in the in-between.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17