Waiting After Christmas
I sit amidst piles of boxes and stray wrapping paper as the chaos of the last few weeks comes to a pause. It’s an inhaled breath, held and waiting before we exhale back into normal. The holidays are coming to a close; with one last hurrah, we’ll ring in a new year, the list of holiday to-dos will be finished, and Hallmark and I will both go back to our regularly scheduled programming. The days after Christmas always feel odd to me. For 24 days in December, anticipation and excitement brew, twinkling in our eyes like lights on a tree. Then the morning finally comes, and we celebrate. The paper…
Silly Traditions & New Resolutions
Ten years ago, John and I rang in the new year/new decade on a snow-covered rooftop in Seoul. We took our dogs and two bottles of sparkling cider to the top of our apartment building and looked out across the skyline for fireworks. We couldn’t see any from our vantage point, but we laughed at our failed plan and enjoyed each other’s company anyway. As the clock struck midnight, we participated in our annual cider chug– a silly tradition started by my brother in the early 2000s. Each person cracks a bottle of sparkling cider or grape juice and races to drink their beverage first. The bottles had chilled in…
The Gift of Friendship
It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year… I hope you’re singing that song in your head, though you might disagree with the sentiment. Instead, it might be the most expensive time of the year, the most stressful time of the year, the most depressing time of the year, or the most lonely time of the year. The holidays have a way of sending emotions into overdrive. Twinkling lights, Hallmark movies, and sugar cookies can make some people overflow with joy. But for others, the happiness everyone else seems to feel causes a quick descent in the opposite direction. It feels like Eeyore walking around underneath a raincloud, wondering how…
As White as Snow
The snow came in overnight, silently and persistently dropping tiny flakes for hours while we slept. When I awoke, my window offered the view of a pristine, white blanket that had covered the gravel, half-dead grass, and copious amounts of dog poop in my backyard. Buried by a thick layer of snow, there was no proof of our sloppy yard maintenance or the four dogs that live in our home. There was only the perfect, blinding whiteness of the powder-soft snow, coating every inch of ground, smoothing over rough edges. Colorado abounds with beauty that points me to God, from the mountains to the sunsets to the rolling prairies, I’m…
- Adoption, Depression, Faith, Family, Grief, Hydranencephaly, Life, Love, patience, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
National Adoption Month
November is National Adoption Month. It’s also the month that Wonder Woman was born, and marks the day we heard those life changing words over the phone, “She is yours.” My cell reception was awful that night and the audio cut in and out as I paced across blue kitchen tile and said her name over and over to our social worker, hoping she would accurately hear it. This name was treasured by us and had been held in my heart for years as I waited for a baby girl. The most important thing—the only thing—I could do for our little girl right then was give her her name. Despite…
- Adoption, Faith, Family, Hope, Hydranencephaly, Life, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
Impossible
“It’s impossible.” I told God. Well, I didn’t tell him those exact words, my actions did. I stopped praying for something that’s been heavy on my heart. I gave up hope. I know he’s the God of miracles, but I’ve been praying for years and this thing felt too far gone. I became frustrated praying for something that repeatedly went unanswered. My persistence didn’t seem to pay off, things are no better than when I started praying. It is extremely hard to have faith in God when it feels like he’s letting you down. My mind attempts mental gymnastics to not face the reality that God can simultaneously be sovereign and…
Under Pressure
I was excited walking into the first week of homework for a new-to-me Bible study on marriage. I’ve been doing women’s Bible studies for years on a variety of topics and books of the Bible, but this is the first time I have focused on my marriage with other women. Given the solid relationship John and I have enjoyed for over a decade, I was confident that this would simply build on our secure foundation. Fast forward to the second week of homework and I found myself sitting in my bed doing said homework amidst a pile of pillows and tears. I wanted to throw the book onto the floor,…
Disappearing Mountains
I recently got prescription glasses. I was the last hold out in my childhood family of 4, but driving around in a new city and squinting while attempting to read street signs wasn’t my cup of tea, so I caved. It’s not a strong prescription, but when I slipped on the metal frames and looked out across the horizon I was amazed at the clarity of the mountains here. I didn’t realize that the slightly blurry haze to their peaks was the result of my impaired vision, not their distance. On a clear day, when the sun shines down from a brilliant blue sky onto the mountains, the view is…
Telling Whoppers
The other night, my dad and I were driving with a car full of boys. The four boys ranged in age from 4 to 13, and their conversations were comical and varied; farts, dogs, superheroes, and all manner of randomness. Their energy was pinging around the car, a last hurrah before getting home for bedtime. I was only partially listening to their conversation when my ears picked on a whopper of a tale coming from the backseat. A story from one of the boys about how he helped a wolf in his backyard. “Fortunately” this little boy was a hero, calmly letting the wolf out and away from his dogs.…
- Adoption, Depression, Family, Grief, Hydranencephaly, Life, Pressure, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
Red Rover
It was sunset, and I was driving south down a long road. Looking to the west out my passenger window I could see for miles. There was an unobstructed view of the mountains, silhouetted and backlit by a gorgeous orange glow. The sun had sunk below the peaks, its radiance shining upward, turning the sky into a stunning display of colors, blending yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples in an ombre affect only God could create. Out my driver’s side window to the east the view was dark, mixed hues of purples and blues, and lit by the bright orb of an almost full moon. Beautiful in its own right, but…
