New Year, New Me

It’s amazing how much changes in a year: seasons, Superbowl Champions, the menu at your favorite restaurant, whether jumpsuits are fashionable or not, a few more lines on your face. January of 2016 God set me on a path of putting Him first, of learning how to trust in Him, and showing that faith in action. Part of that was because 12 months later He would bring Wonder Woman into our lives. I don’t say the culmination of that, because I know God has a heck of a lot more to do in my life (He started a long time ago), but this is a huge mile marker in that work.

During 2016 we went through our home study and created our profile book. I began blogging and telling people about why we want to adopt and what our family is like. We attended training, listened to podcasts, and did our best to prepare for our adoption. However, like most birth stories go, Wonder Woman’s entrance into our lives was not how we expected.This adjustment over the last 6 weeks has not gone as we expected either.

What did I expect, that bringing home a special needs child with a condition entailing a shortened life expectancy would be easy? No, I didn’t think that, but I didn’t think it would be so hard either. Thank you a million times over to each person that has brought us food. I cannot tell you how much of a blessing it has been to be able to focus on our family and not worry about managing 3 kids and cooking at the same time. Also, apparently my friends are fabulous cooks, lucky us.

Bonding with our daughter has not occurred as I’d expected or hoped. I love her intensely, but it feels entirely different than it did with our boys. She reacts to me differently than the boys did and does not seem to like how I express affection. I pick her up and she still cries, she seems to find the same amount of comfort from me as she does my husband or a friend or nursery worker. So now, bonding for me is decorating her room, picking out cute outfits with matching headbands, and attempting to get comfortable sitting in her vicinity since many times she prefers laying down alone. Another thank you goes out to those of you who have given us gifts, the consideration and all of the cute things that have been given to Wonder Woman are so special to me.

What’s been most difficult in this process is that I’m not the mother to Wonder Woman that I was to Superman and Batman. She doesn’t seem to want me to be. It is a huge struggle because it makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel that this little girl that I love is not getting what I promised her and what she deserves. I think this is where adoption is a unique struggle. Bringing her home was something we’ve been working towards for over a year and has been a group effort. The support of friends through fundraising, hours spent filling out tedious and oh so important grant applications, time spent in interviews and training, hours driving across the country to get her. All of it. It was all worth it, I knew it would be and I’ve never doubted that. But to feel like we worked so hard to bring her home, and now that she’s home to feel like I am failing her, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

Maybe some of you can read this and see that as a lie, but I’m struggling to differentiate (and take to heart) what is truth from what I feel. I saw a counselor for the first time and I’m hoping she’ll be able to help me cope better, help me figure out how to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by the frequent bouts of inconsolable crying, how to handle the fact that I’m not the mother I want to be, and how to give myself the grace that everyone else is extending to me. (No one has even complained once at how incredibly late I am or the fact that when you talk to me the exhaustion manifests in a dazed expression sent your way. You are troopers, thank you!)

Lots of people have said over and over how amazing John and I are to do this— we feel anything but. In fact, it sort of puts this level of pressure on me that makes me feel like there’s this thing called “Amazing” and I’m sinking in quicksand beneath it, struggling and struggling to be the mom people think I am, the mom that I thought I was, at the very least the mom that our boys had. The more I fight to reach “Amazing” the more I get sucked in and sucked down by the weight of my insecurity, exhaustion, and frustration.

I don’t want that to stop people’s encouragement, and I don’t mean that negatively toward all of the people who have shown us love and encouragement and assumed us to be amazing. I would simply like to change the narrative. Instead of telling me I’m amazing tell me I’m doing a good job. Instead of telling me I’m amazing tell me I have a big heart, or that you can tell I’m doing my best. Even these I find difficult to believe about myself, but at least they’re more realistic and attainable than “Amazing”.

I thought this would be easier, but it isn’t. I thought if God called me to something that He would equip me to handle it gracefully.  Nope. Despite unending grace from God, I myself am not graceful (pretty sure that’s the whole point). God is reminding me that when He called Peter to step out of the boat and walk on water, He didn’t invite him out onto calm seas. He told Peter to take a huge leap of faith and do it on shifting waves and in battering wind. John and I have stepped out of the boat, we’re looking at Jesus and maybe sinking a little bit from fear and doubt. I know that God will see us through this, I know that the waves will cease, the wind will still, and that if I keep my eyes on God we’ll stay afloat. But it’s still hard and it’s still scary. I hope, and have faith, that I will end this year more sure of God’s power than I started it, that I will have found mercy after mercy and grace after grace and will know these beautiful attributes of God more intimately than I ever have. I trust and will cling to the truth in His Word,

“ …He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

This is the New Year, New Me. Not who I expected to be, not even who I wanted to be, but who I am now.

Painfully honest, I know, and a lot to share publicly. Maybe it’s making you uncomfortable, it’s doing that to me too. But I really feel like I need to share this. There’s someone out there who needs to hear that even when you get the best gift in the world, even when you’re 100% in the middle of God’s plan, even when you truly have faith, you can still feel insecurity, doubt, and yes, even depression. It’s okay, normal even. Help is available.

Again, thank you to everyone who has been and still is part of this journey with us. You helped bring her home and now that she’s here you are still being the most amazing support system. (Look, there’s that word again!). We would not be where we are today without the food, help, gifts, encouragement, and especially prayers that each and every one of you has shared with us. I may be struggling, and I may be failing to show you the gratitude you deserve, but please know that God is using you and we love you and are incredibly thankful for your role in our lives.

**Shout out to Cute E’s Photography for these stunning photos. Check her out cuteesphotography.com