4, 6, 8, 13, 16, 32

I can remember myself as an 18 year old walking down the aisle, orange roses in hand, scorched by the Texas sun but focused only on the handsome man waiting for me. I was a fledgling baby adult, thinking I was grown- the hallmark of those who aren’t yet. I was marrying my best friend, he was joining the military, life was going to be perfect. We were going to have the white picket fence with 2 kids and 2 dogs. Our life would be a picture of stability, comfort, and well behaved children.

My short sightedness makes me chuckle. I’ve always been a daydreamer, prone to idealism. I couldn’t have imagined how much life could change. 4 kids, 6 duty stations, 8 different addresses, 13 years of marriage, 16 specialists and therapists for my daughter, and 32 years of life. We’ve covered a lot of ground spiritually, emotionally, and literally. Sometimes I’ve had well-behaved children, sometimes not, and the rest of the time just children doing children things. And I had no idea how much yard work is required to maintain a picture perfect white picket fenced yard, turns out I hate yard work.

At points I’ve thrived in stability and comfort, and at others I have had the rug pulled out from under me. I’ve often felt that about the time I hit my stride God throws another curve ball at me. He knows me so well. He knows that the moment I get comfortable and confident I start to takeover and stop relying on Him. He tells me, “Don’t get cocky, you’re still a mess, you need Me.” I’m finally starting to appreciate the reminder, though I’d be lying if I didn’t say that at some points I’m a bit whiny about the whole process, asking, “Can’t you lob an easy one across the plate, God?” I’m working on it.

If I could go back and prepare my younger self for what life would hold, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t say a thing.  I wouldn’t want to spoil the good stuff, because it’s been so so good. And as for the bad stuff, 18 year olds are still trying to grasp abstract concepts, there’s no need to worry her.  In fact, If I’m being quite honest, even in my 30’s, I still struggle with abstract concepts like grief, pain, trials, and suffering. Taking a look at my peers gives a scary enough picture. The loss of a parent, child, or spouse that rips the breath out of lungs and shatters hearts. Divorce and unemployment that crushes spirits. Cancer, diseases. and special needs that throw us into fights we never wanted and weren’t prepared for, leaving us wounded and battle weary. It’s hard enough to live in this battle, and harder still when I can imagine what difficult things my future holds.

So I choose not to dwell on them. Not in ignorance like my childish self, but based on Jesus’ words in Matthew, “Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” It sure does. I think this type of living is how the Proverbs 31 woman “laughs without fear of the future” (Prov 31:25). Not because she’s oblivious and certainly not because her hard work earned her a life of smooth sailing. She laughs because she chooses to see joy and beauty in the life she’s living. She laughs because she’s not weighing herself down with what ifs or potential problems, but living fully in the moment.

I’m so glad that young woman walking down the petal strewn aisle 13 years ago didn’t know what her future held. She’d have been quaking in her orange embroidered Converse and likely to run away. Instead, by the grace of God, she’s hung on this far and has survived far more than she ever thought possible. She’ll take the next 13 years as they come, the good, the bad, and all of the in-between. After all, how hard could having teenagers be?