What I’m Capable of

I logged onto my gym app and looked at the workout for the next day. Heavy power cleans and wall balls. The first movement is weightlifting, using technique and strength to get a barbell from the floor to your shoulders; the goal was to go heavy that day. Power cleans happen to be my favorite movement in all of Crossfit. The second movement wasn’t heavy, per se, but exhausting and repetitive. You take a large, weighted ball, squat with it, and then stand up and throw it at a 10’ mark. You then catch it and go straight back into the squat of the next repetition and do this over and over again. Wall balls are tied for my least favorite movement in all of Crossfit.

I walked into the gym that next morning feeling torn. Part of me wanted to beat my personal record on the power clean, and the other part of me wanted to run away from the wall balls. I didn’t abandon my workout, and my results ended up somewhere in the middle. I lifted a heavier weight than I’ve managed in a long time, though it wasn’t my best. And while there was some whining with the wall balls, I stuck it out and did them, slower than everyone else, but I did them.

There was a time I was much stronger, and I pushed myself harder. I showed up daily at the gym to make progress, to set measurable goals, and attain them. I had a “give it your best/give it your all” mentality. Most days I left the gym exhausted but proud of my accomplishments. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t leave it all on the floor, because no matter how much I lift at the gym, I still have to go home and lift my 40 lbs daughter and her 65 lbs wheelchair. If I give so much of myself that my legs feel like jello, I can’t give my daughter what she needs. I’ve had to switch my mentality to “what I’m capable of today.”

What I’m capable of today is a moving target. It depends on my energy level, the amount of sleep I’ve gotten, what’s on my to-do list, what yesterday took out of me, and what my motivation level is. Some days, I’m only capable of showing up and surviving a workout with a slow time and a moderate level of whining. Other days, I feel strong and am able to challenge myself and see the slow steps of progress.

Working to change my mindset at the gym has helped me realize the need to take on that mentality in other areas of my life. What I’m capable of changes day by day. No matter how dedicated I am, I can’t give my best every single moment of the day, and I can’t give my all to one single thing. I’m spread out and sometimes spread thin, like too little peanut butter on a sandwich. I can’t give one child my all and leave the rest to fend for themselves. My children can’t receive everything I have and discount my husband. I can’t forsake all commitments and give all my energy to my church. And I can’t be selfish and give myself my all either. There’s a balance that needs to occur where each piece gets the amount it needs that day or moment in time, and in accepting that, abandon the self-inflicted guilt that I don’t have more to give.

The Bible says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” (Colossians 3:23). Changing my thinking has exposed a faulty logic in me. I had taken the verse and assumed it fell in line with the “do your best” mentality, but that makes it all about me and not about God. That makes it about what I accomplish and not about how I treat people.

God wants me to give him my heart, to give him my all, he’s the only one entitled to it. When I do that first, then I can pour out His love and grace in all of the places I find myself. He doesn’t want me pushing until I turn to jello and fall apart. He wants me filled by him and pouring him back out. What that looks like changes daily. Some days I might have the energy of my five-year-old with the efficiency of my mother, and I power through my to-do list (that’s happened maybe two times in my life). Other days, I get through a day with nothing to show for it except a sink full of dirty dishes and a messy house. Thankfully, God isn’t asking for my checked off to-do list, my resume of professional highlights, or my weightlifting stats. God wants my heart to be his and to reflect him, whatever I’m capable of today.