Things I Didn’t Expect

An extreme outpouring of love:

I’m sorry, dear friends, that I underestimated you. I truly expected people to ask why we were doing this. Or worse, people who were afraid to love our baby girl because of the inevitable loss (that we’re praying is years and years away). But that’s not what we found. We found hundreds of people who are excited for our little one. Tons of people who love her and want to shower her, and us, with that love for as long as possible. Thank you for blowing me away with your beautiful hearts.

Hormones:

I thought if I didn’t birth a baby I wouldn’t be an emotional wreck. Nope. Not the case.

Clothes:

We finally have a girl, and here I was worried that we only had boy clothes. That lasted for about a day. Now we have ALL THE GIRL CLOTHES!!!! Which, for the record, is not a complaint. I’ve joked that to wear them all we’ll have to do a day time, evening, and bedtime outfit. I’m only slightly kidding. I just hope she doesn’t poop on all of them.

Hard Decisions:

I guess that sounds dumb, my first post about her outlined what our future would hold and I didn’t go into this blind or with rose colored glasses on. But I guess I thought I’d get a bit more time living in newborn “normal”. We’re already talking to doctors and figuring out surgery and health care and hospice plans. She’s also already become agitated. I’ve never had a baby with colic, but I guess this is similar. This is hard. Feeling like I can’t hold and comfort my baby like she needs is hard. I believe this will pass, but I’m worried how long it will take.

Second Guessing:

There’s nothing quite like motherhood to prey on your every insecurity. I feel like a first time parent again. I’m tempted to question and Google every little sound and action. I will say, I’m showing a lot of restraint, but that’s partially because I’m so tired that I don’t have much time to Google weird baby noises. I also know that this too will pass, and I’m feeling more confident in myself as her mom as each day passes. There’s just a feeling, justified or not, that because I missed out on 9 months of pregnancy with her and the first two and a half weeks of her life that for some reason I won’t be as attuned to her as I need to be.

Extreme Love:

I didn’t know that I could love my husband or my sons more. Seeing their outpouring of love for our girl, their protectiveness, consideration, affection, it  melts my mommy heart and makes me love those men more fiercely. I wish I could protect them from the hurt we’ll all feel one day, but I am so incredibly thankful that my guys have such huge and loving hearts. There are few things a mom could want more for her sons, and I’m thankful for the man whose example they watch. 

Tears Over Everything:

Props to me that the tears ended within the first few days. Mostly.  I cried when Superman said he wanted his little sister to eat ice cream when she grew big like him. I cried when I told my dad he’d finally have a granddaughter but she may not see her first birthday. I cried when I was clothes shopping and decided not to buy the 6-9 month dress because I was afraid she’d never wear it. I cried when I met our doctor and she told me the best way to handle things when our girl dies if I’m home alone with the boys. I cried the first time she became inconsolable. I sat in the car and cried at Chick-Fil-A just because I felt overwhelmed by everything.

But I’ve also cried tears from happiness and confidence in our decision. I cried when I read all of the congratulations on our Facebook post. I cried when friends from all over the country stepped up and offered help, and followed through with favor after favor and kindness after kindness. I cried when I met her interim family and saw how much love our girl had received during the 2 weeks we didn’t know her. I cried the first time Batman held her and kissed her repeatedly. I cried listening to a praise and worship song this morning. I cried writing this.

There’s beauty in this mixture of joy and fear and sadness. There’s beauty in finding out who we are as her parents, as a family of 5, as a special needs family. There’s  beauty in finally gaining a tiny bit of perspective on the story that God has been writing in our family for decades to lead us to this moment and this girl and our family. There are times I’m tempted to sit and wallow in the fear. Times I’m tempted to assume that this ends in heartbreak and to feel the futility of it all. But that’s stupid, because our family and our relationship with our daughter is so much more than that. There will be heartbreak, but there will also be joy and laughter. There will be fear and confusion, but there will also be new knowledge and wisdom and growth. There will be frustration, but there will also be peace and clarity and happiness. And above all, Faith, Hope, and Love.

Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Here’s the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMKs5VPb0Qs