It’s just the beginning
As I got ready I looked at myself in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. Maybe it’s because I actually look like a woman now and not a teenager, maybe it’s the mom hair cut (I finally went there), or the fact that I became a leggings-as-pants wearer (I will never wear real pants again!). Either way, this woman starring back at me is about to embark on a HUGE journey. A journey that will test her faith, her strength, her patience, and a bunch of other things that I can’t even guess at yet.
I already have a 2 year old and a 1 year old, I’ve been tested by spit up, emotional tantrums, sleep deprivation, uncontrollable hormones, and more. Maybe that’s why I no longer look like a spry teenager. You can only survive on interrupted sleep for so long before the ‘mom’ look starts to get you. But this new journey is one completely foreign to my family.
We’re adopting!
My husband and I went to our very first meeting with Bethany Christian Services. In what might be a case of foreshadowing, the meeting lasted two hours (twice the length of time anticipated). Two hours of information and I feel like we’ve barely scratched the surface of everything I want/need to know. But we also feel confident that this is the agency that will fit our family and our needs.
So why are we adopting? Are two rambunctious boys not enough? Oh trust me, these beautiful boys are enough, but God has more in store for us. When we decided to have our first child we made sure we checked off all of the ‘must do’ boxes before we conceived. Finished college, check. Went through a deployment, check. Married minimum five years, check. So then we reached the time that just seemed ‘right’ to have our first child. We were blessed with a perfect and amazing little boy. Three months after he was born I started feeling like we needed to have another baby. To which I told my ovaries and postpartum hormones to get it together. The feeling didn’t go away, so I started trying to pray it away. A funny thing happened during that time of prayer… God made it clear it was time to have another baby. Say what, God? My kids were supposed to be 2-3 years apart. But He was clear, and so we decided then and there that He was right. He is always right of course, and we surrendered over our family planning to Him. 18 months after our first child was born we had our second. He is also amazing and perfect. So how does this lead us to adoption?
God of course. He has laid it on my heart for years, but it always remained a ‘when we’re older’ and ‘when we have money’ thing. We’re older (not that old!) and I guess we have more money (though our lottery dreams have yet to come to fruition). God made it clear; this is His plan and we are invited to be a part of it. So here we go. It reminds me of the song “Oceans”:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.
We are stepping out of the boat. I truly believe God has a plan for our child, who may not even be conceived yet, but who He knows because He is the Creator. I am blessed to be the mother of all of the children He chooses to give me, whether through pregnancy or adoption. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror because I can’t believe that I have come this far. It’s hard to believe that my husband and I have somehow in the last decade become a couple that truly trusts God enough to embark on a journey that will cost $30,000. I love the song Oceans, but coming to a point in my life where I can sing those words and truly mean them is shocking. It has been a process and a slow growing of my (our) faith. All the glory and credit goes to God for pursuing me and loving me when I was rebellious and unlovable, and to my husband for sticking with me through that phase as well. I am terrified of the wait, terrified of the unknown, but in the mystery is where you find God. In my weakness He is made strong.
