Growing Up & Living the Dream

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

When asked, my oldest has answered a police officer for as long as I can remember. His younger brother chooses firefighter. They’ve gotten in their heads that it’s a team thing, like Chase and Marshall on Paw Patrol, or Chase and Heatwave on Rescue Bots— or whatever other kid show is out there with a cop character named Chase. My boys see themselves as a team; it’s sweet. It remains to be seen what they’ll pursue as they get older and realize there are a million and one opportunities in the world. But asking the question is a fun way to get a little peek into the mind of kids. As a child, I was not as consistent in my answers as my sons, but I wanted to be a ninja-ballerina-housewife-mom for a pretty long time. 1/2 of that dream did not come to fruition— I’m not exactly graceful or coordinated, and I never found out how to get into the ninja business as a non-mutant, non-turtle human.

Recently, my husband and I were at a marriage event for military couples focused on communication. The speaker recommended that couples take time together to dream about the future and talk about our goals. That’s basically a 30-year-old’s version of ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’? And fair enough, these are conversations we need to have as we find ourselves on the back half of my husband’s military career and having seen how fast the years go.

For our family, dreaming about the future is a bit more complicated than most. We’ve lived for almost four years with a daughter who has a life-limiting condition, a miraculous three years longer than we were supposed to have. We plan for the future but hold it loosely in our hands. Proverbs 27:1 says, “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” Over this journey, I’ve realized what a privilege it is to learn how to live in the moment. When I finally learned to stop worrying over anticipated grief, I learned the freedom of living today.

So when I think about what I want to be when I grow up, I know that I’m living my dream right now. Sure, I’m still hoping to get struck by lighting and magically acquire the skills to become a ninja-ballerina. But shy of that, I recognize that I’m a wife and mom like I always wanted, and it has been an experience that I couldn’t have dreamed up if I’d tried. God entrusted me with these kids that amaze me and frustrate me—amazingly frustrate me and frustratingly amaze me, and I recognize the gift I’ve received. I know there are big dreams out there, but I’ve found mine in the small things. Like Eskimo kisses on tiny button noses, crooked smiles on a little girl who wasn’t supposed to show emotion, exciting tales shared faster than my ears can comprehend them from a vibrant five-year-old, the feeling of my fingers ruffling the thick hair of a son who’s up to my chest now, and the warmth of my husband’s arms wrapped around me.

I don’t know what my life will look like next year, certainly not in five, ten, or fifteen years. So what do I want to be when I grow up? I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll have a career, perhaps I’ll finish writing a book, maybe my sons really will become first responders. But what I want for them, and myself, is to be content. I want to be satisfied on this journey that God is writing, however it looks. Some parts are exciting, some are hard, but it’s in God’s hands and not mine, and he’s a far better writer than I am, even if he hasn’t granted me secret ninja powers. Yet.

The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you help and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom… O satisfy us in the morning with your lovingkindnness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalms 90:12, 14