Confessions of an Introvert

“I should introduce myself to that person,” I tell myself. 

“Oh gosh, what do I say?” I respond— to myself. 

“Your name, duh. Hi, I’m Lauren. What’s your name? It’s easy.” 

My heart rate increases. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can.”  

“You’re dragging it out. Now it’s going to be awkward.” I know I’m getting further and further out from the ideal timing, but my feet continue to drag anyway as my eyes try to figure out where to look. “Don’t stare; that’s weird,” I chide.

“I know, I’m trying to look friendly while I get up the nerve.”

“Don’t give up.” I encourage, “You’ve waited too long, but you can still do this. I know you can. Just do it!”

“Nope, I don’t think I can. It’s too hard.” I panic.

“Goodness, woman. Now they’re going to think you’re mean and stuck up because you’re ignoring them– and still staring, cut that out!”

“I know, I know!” 

“Oh geez, they’re coming over here.” 

My eyes can’t figure out where to look. Do I watch them walk toward me? Do I look away and look back when they get closer? “Why is this so complicated?”  

“Okay, I can do this. I can do this. Just be normal, tell them your name.”

“My name is Lauren,”  I practice in my head. The person speaks to me, but I can’t register their words past the sound of my internal dialogue. “Should I shake their hand? Are they a handshaker? Do I put my hand out or wait for theirs? Oh no, I missed their name, and it’s my turn now. Be cool.”

“I’m Lauren. It’s nice to meet you.” My hand waves awkwardly. Not cool. 

You might have guessed it– I am an introvert. In certain seasons of my life, this has been painfully apparent. I’d bet my long time friends reading this wonder why it’s a declaration that even needs to be made. The sun is yellow, the sky is blue, and Lauren is a socially awkward introvert– it’s true. But I have put a lot of effort into learning how to work around it. Working in retail and as a direct sales rep offered great practice in ‘fake it til you make it.’ My husband also had a large hand in it as he grabbed mine and pulled me along, helping me make friends and preventing me from being the comfortable hermit I desired. And life as a military spouse required me to make a choice, to push through the awkwardness and my own perceived limitations, or be lonely. And so the combination has offered me ample opportunity to practice and consequently turned me into a high functioning introvert. 

Even with all the practice I’ve got under my belt, the whole socializing thing is hard. Introductions make me feel nervous, and the term ‘ice breaker’ sends shivers down my spine. It is a constant battle for me to meet new people and kindle the embers that might turn into a real friendship. I hate to admit that it’s such a struggle for me, but harder still to never do it at all. Sometimes I crash and burn, mixing up the awkward wave with the offered handshake, forgetting their name, all while a blush creeps up my face admitting I’m aware I’ve just made a fool of myself. I challenge myself to keep at it. 

Maybe you’re not like me. Perhaps you’re one of those ‘never met a stranger’ types– I envy and admire you. But even so, I think we all have things in our life that challenge us, things that make us push past where we want to be and into something with potential. It’s worth it to step outside of your comfort zone, to challenge perceived limitations, and do the hard thing anyway, and that’s a lesson with infinite applicability for us all.