In Defense Of…
Tears slid down my cheeks in a steady flow, creating tracks through my makeup and collecting at my chin until they released in fat droplets. The grey of my dress darkened where each one splattered on the fabric. I occasionally wiped at my chin, involuntarily brushing away tears that tickled my skin. I sat with my husband and our adoption social worker, and together we faced a selection of hospital representatives. The table was large for our small group, able to fit double the amount of current occupants. I was thankful that the wide span of the table created a gap between us so that I didn’t have to sit…
- Adoption, Depression, Faith, Family, Grief, Hydranencephaly, Life, Love, patience, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
National Adoption Month
November is National Adoption Month. It’s also the month that Wonder Woman was born, and marks the day we heard those life changing words over the phone, “She is yours.” My cell reception was awful that night and the audio cut in and out as I paced across blue kitchen tile and said her name over and over to our social worker, hoping she would accurately hear it. This name was treasured by us and had been held in my heart for years as I waited for a baby girl. The most important thing—the only thing—I could do for our little girl right then was give her her name. Despite…
- Adoption, Faith, Family, Hope, Hydranencephaly, Life, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
Impossible
“It’s impossible.” I told God. Well, I didn’t tell him those exact words, my actions did. I stopped praying for something that’s been heavy on my heart. I gave up hope. I know he’s the God of miracles, but I’ve been praying for years and this thing felt too far gone. I became frustrated praying for something that repeatedly went unanswered. My persistence didn’t seem to pay off, things are no better than when I started praying. It is extremely hard to have faith in God when it feels like he’s letting you down. My mind attempts mental gymnastics to not face the reality that God can simultaneously be sovereign and…
- Adoption, Depression, Family, Grief, Hydranencephaly, Life, Pressure, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
Red Rover
It was sunset, and I was driving south down a long road. Looking to the west out my passenger window I could see for miles. There was an unobstructed view of the mountains, silhouetted and backlit by a gorgeous orange glow. The sun had sunk below the peaks, its radiance shining upward, turning the sky into a stunning display of colors, blending yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples in an ombre affect only God could create. Out my driver’s side window to the east the view was dark, mixed hues of purples and blues, and lit by the bright orb of an almost full moon. Beautiful in its own right, but…
4, 6, 8, 13, 16, 32
I can remember myself as an 18 year old walking down the aisle, orange roses in hand, scorched by the Texas sun but focused only on the handsome man waiting for me. I was a fledgling baby adult, thinking I was grown- the hallmark of those who aren’t yet. I was marrying my best friend, he was joining the military, life was going to be perfect. We were going to have the white picket fence with 2 kids and 2 dogs. Our life would be a picture of stability, comfort, and well behaved children. My short sightedness makes me chuckle. I’ve always been a daydreamer, prone to idealism. I couldn’t…
- Adoption, Depression, Faith, Family, Grief, Hope, Hydranencephaly, Life, Pressure, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Unexpected
What Happened in the Fire?
I don’t know why it’s so easy to flippantly read about God’s miracles. Why don’t I get excited and jazzed every time I read about how he healed a blind man with spit or commanded the wind and waves to be still. Maybe it’s the unintentional byproduct of growing up in church that somehow these stories become “normal” to me. There’s nothing normal about the miraculous. You might be familiar with the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It’s found in the third chapter of Daniel in the Bible. It’s one many children hear growing up, which is interesting because it’s just one chapter. Their names are mentioned in the…
Of Mice and Men
I was in the 10th grade when I read Of Mice and Men. I had gotten behind on the reading track, but as English was (and is) my favorite subject, I determined to finish it before class. I picked up my softly worn copy, curved the cover around the spine to fit nicely in my hand, and I slunk down into my chair at the back of my Algebra 2 classroom. Out of the line of site of my tiny red-headed teacher, I read on uninterrupted. I flipped through the pages, reading faster as I neared the end the end of the book and the class period. I remember the…
Flash Joins Our Family
AKA, how I had a baby on my bathroom floor. I guess it started with his nickname, we chose it soon after finding out I was pregnant. As an English major, I should have seen that for what it was, foreshadowing. His birth day started with brunch. A delicious sweet potato biscuit topped with pork belly and perfectly cooked eggs benedict. It was wonderful, I’m still thinking about it. As my very pregnant self scarfed down every scrap of food on my plate and chatted with my girlfriends, I ignored the occasional contractions I was having. At this point I had been having them for weeks and was 0 for…
Happy Birthday, Wonder Woman
When I was a little girl, my family visited Omaha Beach in Normandy, France. Though I understood very little about the significance of the location, I have always remembered the trip. Specifically, I remember running with children of different nationalities up and down into grassy spaces that seemed like bowls carved into the ground. I remember my mother telling me that those bowls were craters caused by bombs from WWII. I didn’t understand the significance, my six year old self couldn’t imagine the type of destruction that could leave permanent marks in the earth decades later. I couldn’t comprehend the death, the grief, that each of those craters caused, rippling…
New Year, New Me
It’s amazing how much changes in a year: seasons, Superbowl Champions, the menu at your favorite restaurant, whether jumpsuits are fashionable or not, a few more lines on your face. January of 2016 God set me on a path of putting Him first, of learning how to trust in Him, and showing that faith in action. Part of that was because 12 months later He would bring Wonder Woman into our lives. I don’t say the culmination of that, because I know God has a heck of a lot more to do in my life (He started a long time ago), but this is a huge mile marker in that…
