Finding Unexpected Beauty
The silver moon moved through the cloudless sky, sinking until it disappeared behind the mountains. It glowed brightly against a lilac-colored sky, a soft yet vibrant purple hinting at the sun hiding beneath the horizon. The moon’s descent in the west felt rapid yet controlled as it sank lower and lower. Just one day off from its fullness, it appeared a perfect circle, and I watched the silhouette of Pike’s Peak appear in front of the round shape. It was odd to see the celestial movement so clearly. Unlike the sun, no shooting rays were bouncing in the clouds, and no blinding corona forced me to divert my eyes. The…
Best Mommy Ever
“You’re the best mommy ever!” My five-year-old exclaims as he gives me a big hug for consenting to his most recent request. His eyes light up, and he excitedly runs off to enjoy an afternoon donut snack; my little boy loves sweets and his happy smile will soon be smeared with chocolate icing. But don’t go getting the wrong impression; I am not actually the best mommy ever. Give me about 15 minutes during which time I will scold that child for fighting with his brother and deny his next request, and this will quickly become the “worst day ever.” His eyes will fill with tears, and his beautiful smile…
Chapter Books
My oldest is officially a reader, and we have reached the point in our parenting where his presence prevents us from spelling things in covert communication. First grade saw a significant jump in his reading abilities and comprehension. He’s ready for chapter books if I could just convince him that they’re worth his time. Unfortunately, he’s not interested in chapter books. He wants one and done books, not the kind that takes time to get through. A someone who loves reading and writing, it’s frustrating how much he fights me on reading. He hasn’t yet learned the beauty of exploring through books. He hasn’t found joy at the end of…
The Experience of Silence
Silence. Beautiful silence. A stillness that settles in. An opportunity for senses and mind to rest as the barrage of noise stops. Silence offers a respite from processing the TV in the background with the pounding of kids running through the house, along with the verbal cacophony of voices layered over top of each other. When the loudness fades away, the little things pop through, orchestrating a delicate symphony. The taps of rain hitting pavement and windowpanes, creating different sounds on each surface. The tick of a clock establishing a quiet tempo with each passing second. The distant whir of an HVAC system humming a melody. Silence settles in like…
Cultivating Spring
Spring is here. We’re finally getting those first days of 70-degree weather, and the sun is shining her brilliance across blue skies. The brown, dry, brittle colors of winter are giving way to the vibrancy of new buds and blossoms. Beauty springs forth as new life breaks through. New beginnings emerge with the rebirth of plants that looked dead. The tips of barren trees become round and form tiny buds full of potential. Blossoms breakthrough and green reclaims its ground. Despite my appreciation of nature, I’ve never been one to cultivate it. Instead, I watch with excitement as spring tiptoes in, quietly restoring beauty to a barren landscape, and hope…
Freedom Within These Walls
“Put down your iPads and go play in your room,” I tell my sons. Their reaction makes me sound like a soul-crusher. Tears, protests, and begging pour out of their mouths as they push back against my directive. It was an expected outcome but irritates me anyway. “Fine, then, if you hate these toys so much, let’s just get rid of them, then you won’t even have to clean them up.” “Noooooo,” the tears intensify. The threat of losing toys turns them into precious, invaluable objects. Even this book with the ripped pages, and especially that Ninja Turtle missing a leg. Most of the time, my sons gravitate to things…
A Riptide of Anxiety
Three years ago, my journey with anxiety and depression began. Depression has been like crashing waves, loud and relentless. But anxiety is like the riptide, hiding underneath the surface, able to sweep my feet out from under me in a moment. It overwhelms and leaves me gasping for air. For the most part, I’ve been able to avoid the riptide of anxiety. I stay at the shoreline and battle the waves of depression as they come in. But this last week has overwhelmed me. Every news article, warning, and cough has me flipped over in the current, tossed about at the mercy of the riptide. I thought I had these…
Bubble Baths & Long Talks
My hands felt sweaty on the microphone, and there was a faint shake to them, a combination of coffee and nerves. Some people have fantastic stage presence, they step in front of a crowd, and a dynamic alter ego breaks through. Me, not so much. I was my usual brand of sincerity, awkward authenticity, and random movie quotes. I did it anyway. I stood on the small stage in front of 20 some women and shared my heart and God’s wisdom. I spoke about self-care, which I would never have imagined wanting to talk about, let alone fill 45 minutes of time on. After all, the topic and I have…
In Defense Of…
Tears slid down my cheeks in a steady flow, creating tracks through my makeup and collecting at my chin until they released in fat droplets. The grey of my dress darkened where each one splattered on the fabric. I occasionally wiped at my chin, involuntarily brushing away tears that tickled my skin. I sat with my husband and our adoption social worker, and together we faced a selection of hospital representatives. The table was large for our small group, able to fit double the amount of current occupants. I was thankful that the wide span of the table created a gap between us so that I didn’t have to sit…
Driving in Fog
The fog blew in gusts across the road, walls of white, stark and blinding against the black of the night. Headlights blinked into existence between patches of fog but disappeared as another cloud quickly rolled in. The field of vision was limited to a stone’s throw past the hood of the car. It felt isolating, like driving in a white bubble. In a vain attempt at better visibility, the driver turned on the brights. We were met with their blinding reflection against the fog and immediately switched them back off, a predictable outcome. Hunching over the steering wheel, squinting, the driver involuntarily tried anything and everything hoping for clarity. White…
