What I Wish You Knew
When my daughter was a month old, we took her to an emergency room in Texas. Her adoption had occurred in another state, and we used the out of town opportunity to visit family. Before leaving her home state, we expressed concerns regarding her head growth and demeanor to doctors, but they told us to keep an eye on it and sent us on our way. A week later, we felt our daughter’s extreme discomfort and increasing head circumference warranted an ER visit. That night our daughter was transferred from the military hospital to the local children’s hospital. She experienced her first ambulance ride, as did I, and we found…
Freedom Within These Walls
“Put down your iPads and go play in your room,” I tell my sons. Their reaction makes me sound like a soul-crusher. Tears, protests, and begging pour out of their mouths as they push back against my directive. It was an expected outcome but irritates me anyway. “Fine, then, if you hate these toys so much, let’s just get rid of them, then you won’t even have to clean them up.” “Noooooo,” the tears intensify. The threat of losing toys turns them into precious, invaluable objects. Even this book with the ripped pages, and especially that Ninja Turtle missing a leg. Most of the time, my sons gravitate to things…
A Father’s Love
I slid my feet into a pair of flats, preparing to leave the house. I checked my pockets for my cellphone and then leaned down to kiss my six-year-old snuggled and cozy in my bed under our fluffy blanket. Instead of saying goodbye, he looked up at me and asked, “Mommy, does Daddy love me more or does God?” I was caught off guard and paused, my body mid lean and my face next to his. My brain flashed through memories of how much his father loves him. I thought of two nights earlier when this little boy had broken his collar bone. How John heard the cry and immediately…
Living with Fear
Winter is finally coming to a close here in Colorado. The sun is out and lighting up this colorful state with fireball sunrises and brilliant blue skies, and I am finally able to enjoy this place again. I sat outside yesterday, soaking up the warmth that I’ve missed, and listened to my boys play. I love to hear them play, their imagination and creativity at work, the sounds of fun. Over the noise of their yelling (do boys play any games without yelling?), I could hear the word ‘coronavirus’ repeated. I paused my writing to listen and figure out what in the world was going on and determined that the…
Bubble Baths & Long Talks
My hands felt sweaty on the microphone, and there was a faint shake to them, a combination of coffee and nerves. Some people have fantastic stage presence, they step in front of a crowd, and a dynamic alter ego breaks through. Me, not so much. I was my usual brand of sincerity, awkward authenticity, and random movie quotes. I did it anyway. I stood on the small stage in front of 20 some women and shared my heart and God’s wisdom. I spoke about self-care, which I would never have imagined wanting to talk about, let alone fill 45 minutes of time on. After all, the topic and I have…
In Defense Of…
Tears slid down my cheeks in a steady flow, creating tracks through my makeup and collecting at my chin until they released in fat droplets. The grey of my dress darkened where each one splattered on the fabric. I occasionally wiped at my chin, involuntarily brushing away tears that tickled my skin. I sat with my husband and our adoption social worker, and together we faced a selection of hospital representatives. The table was large for our small group, able to fit double the amount of current occupants. I was thankful that the wide span of the table created a gap between us so that I didn’t have to sit…
Driving in Fog
The fog blew in gusts across the road, walls of white, stark and blinding against the black of the night. Headlights blinked into existence between patches of fog but disappeared as another cloud quickly rolled in. The field of vision was limited to a stone’s throw past the hood of the car. It felt isolating, like driving in a white bubble. In a vain attempt at better visibility, the driver turned on the brights. We were met with their blinding reflection against the fog and immediately switched them back off, a predictable outcome. Hunching over the steering wheel, squinting, the driver involuntarily tried anything and everything hoping for clarity. White…
Coffee is Love
I awake to the sound of a mandolin, rhythmically strumming its intro to an upbeat song. My eyes open the tiniest bit, and my hand reaches out toward my nightstand, fumbling for my phone. It’s 6:25am, time to rise and shine. There is a mental struggle in my mind as I tell myself to get up. Well, not exactly a struggle. I tell myself to get up, and myself tells me no. I find my phone with one eye shut and snooze the alarm, or maybe turn it off, who cares. I’m not ready for this. Nine minutes later, the song plays again, trying to coax me awake with its…
Sheer Hubris
There’s a moment at the end of the day when the commotion stops. When the whack-a-mole game of getting our kids to bed– and keeping them there– has been won, and the prize is stillness. Silence slowly descends as the baby stops babbling, big brothers stop talking in their beds, and even the dogs have curled up to sleep and stopped clicking their paws on hardwood floors. As the day winds down, I finalize things for the evening, making sure dishes are clean and put away, and that shoes aren’t lying in hallways as middle-of-the-night tripping hazards. My mind takes this opportunity to go into overdrive. It seems when my…
What I’m Capable of
I logged onto my gym app and looked at the workout for the next day. Heavy power cleans and wall balls. The first movement is weightlifting, using technique and strength to get a barbell from the floor to your shoulders; the goal was to go heavy that day. Power cleans happen to be my favorite movement in all of Crossfit. The second movement wasn’t heavy, per se, but exhausting and repetitive. You take a large, weighted ball, squat with it, and then stand up and throw it at a 10’ mark. You then catch it and go straight back into the squat of the next repetition and do this over…
